Hey folks, I’m Brett CB, and thanks so much for checking out my origin story!
I was born and raised an only child in the suburbia of Western Massachusetts in the mid-’80s. Childhood was a mixed bag — my family was comfortably middle-class, I got to travel all around the United States (albeit in very long car rides and Motel 6's), and mostly avoided serious health issues, accidents, or premature deaths among us, family, and friends.
On the other hand, my family was very low-key dysfunctional (with my parents’ loveless marriage being the center of it), I had little self-awareness…
“But I have a coupon for it!” — my father, every time our family ever spent any money on anything but my mother and me tried to argue otherwise knowing whatever it was, it would suck.
I grew up as an only child, with only a handful of cousins, two sets of emotionally-distant grandparents, and parents who barely spoke to each other during commercials of Sabrina, The Teenage Witch. The time-honored tradition of “family” was absent from our indifferent clan. Alas, the only thing that brought us together (and often tore us apart), were coupons and discounts.
We literally ate…
Dating as an introvert has always been difficult, and even more so during COVID times. It’s taken away one of my favorite options in movie theaters.
At best, you get to be in a spacious, dark, air-conditioned room that, while public, can still set the mood for some semblance of romance.
But at worst…it’s still a spacious, dark, air-conditioned room that, while public, most everyone else is distracted by the movie to notice your failure as a suitor.
If you know anything about my dating life though, you’ll know I’m a perennial nominee for Best Fuck-Up In A Leading Role.
I’ve been on and off Tinder since its debut in 2012, with so little success that the only hookups I’ve had were between my tears and an ungodly amount of Kleenex.
I could chalk up such failures for a myriad of reasons, like looking for an LTR instead of hookups, being a senior citizen relative to the median age of app users, or honestly that I’m just a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.
Adjusting or fixing all those things is a work-in-progress. But…
I’m grateful to have gained such a variety of knowledge and skills across the various jobs I’ve had throughout my career. But until I started working in office settings in my 30’s, I never thought of how a single email could cause such chaos. I quickly learned this the first time my then-boss replied to an email of mine…and cc’ed the CEO and all the Executive Directors on it.
From that day forward (in that role), any email I sent that had even the slimmest of chances of needing input from above required me to cc (not bcc) all…
Who knew you could cram so many garbage decisions inside a 23.5-ounce can?
It was a cold November day in 2010 when Massachusetts started banning the sale of the OG Four Loko. National headlines of deaths caused by the overcaffeinated alcoholic drink flooded the internet. This news induced a spiritual awakening in my still-immature liver as I started calling local liquor stores to check if they still had some for sale.
(Looking back now, calling ahead to see if a store is carrying banned Four…
Today marks my 36th Valentine’s Day, and *checks notes* 35th edition of being incredibly single. While I’ve previously written about my (lack of a) love life consisting of unrequited adoration or struggling to get over someone special, Valentine’s Day has been more a comedy than a tragedy for me (at least in retrospect).
So if you’ve got a minute to spare in between your bouquet of roses, boxes of chocolate, and your special someone, join me in reliving the ridiculousness that is my Valentine’s Day (Mostly) Massacre’s:
#10. Horsin’ Around (2017)
I thought it’d be clever doing some recon on…
It’s been a few months since I last thought about you. There was a period of my life where all I wanted to think about was you. But I could never tell you this, or so many other things.
I didn’t think a whole hell of a lot of you at first. You immersed yourself in our public speaking group right away, with the usual shtick about moving up in your career. You skyrocketed into popularity and leadership despite the plain-bagel vibes I got from you so far.
I’d learn shortly that I had never been so wrong about someone…
“I thought I knew what love was, what did I know?”
Ever since I got my first cassette when I was 9 years old (Boyz 2 Men, “II”), music has shaped so much of who I am and what I believed. Napster and the ability to burn your own CDs coming along in 2001 was revolutionary. I had mixed CDs on standby for any occasion or situation that could go down.
These mixes would have all kinds of genres. Everything from Nu-metal to lift weights to (which I did for the nookie), to alt-indie to mourn the death of my…
It was a dark and chilly night in March 2003 when it all came crashing down. Well, not everything, but definitely my blood sugar.
I was mere months away from graduating high school but didn’t have much going for me. I had gotten rejected but my #1 choice university due to the 3-day suspension on my permanent record. Why?
(It was a right hook to the head, but the school insisted on protecting the rep of their star hockey player 💪)
I had also recently poured my soul into a 3-page note (a.k.a. …
A Twinge In Your Heart Far More Powerful Than Memory Alone